Jokes Page

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time", muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this". "Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning", the neighbour began. "Gee I'm awfully sorry", said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day". "In that case", said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them" ?

 

MEN'S SECRET LANGUAGE

 

1. I'm Going Fishing (translated) "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2. It's A Guy Thing (translated) "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3. Can I Help With Dinner (translated) "Why isn't it already on the table."

4. Uh Huh, Sure Honey (translated) "Absolutely nothing, it's a conditioned response."

5. It Would Take Too Long To Explain (translated) "I haven't the foggiest."

6. I Was Listening To You. It's Just.......I Have Lot's Of Things On My Mind (translated) "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"

7. Take A Break Honey, Your Working Too Hard (translated) "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"

8.That's Interesting Dear (translated) "Are you still talking"

9. You Know How Bad My Memory Is (translated) "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop", the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned. I just forgot your birthday."

10. I Dunno..... I Was Just Thinking Of You. And I Got You These Roses (translated) "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

11. I've Got My Reasons For What I'm Doing (translated) "..... and I sure hope I think of some soon."

12. I Can't Find It (translated) "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

13. What Did I Do This Time (translated) "What did you catch me at."

14. I Heard You (translated) "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."

14. You Know I Could Never Love Anyone Else (translated) "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realise it could be worse."

15. You Look Terrific (translated) "Oh God, please don't try on more clothes."

16. I'm Not Lost. I Know Exactly Where We Are (translated) "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

 

 

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants and the old woman sticks her hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89." The old man looks at her incredulously and asks," How did you know that?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hello's and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "this is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS" 

Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honesty system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside of me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important until you’re not getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose of life is to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you are a mile away, and have their shoes.
13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and you never see that person again, it was probably a good investment.
16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, a light side, and holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.
29. Never miss a chance to shut up.
30. We are born wet, naked and hungry. Then things get worse.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete….. how much steel!!!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women…. Know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….. know how to make them truly happy……"

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Subject: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)

It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure its employees are well trained. Through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program (S.H.I.T. for short), we have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, that he or she could advance to another position by taking more S.H.I.T., please see your immediate supervisor.

Our management team are specially trained to assure that you will get all the S.H.I.T. you deserve.

If you graduate to the top of your list by taking all the S.H.I.T. that is given to you, you can then qualify for our Supervisor’s program- COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAM (or C.R.A.P. for short).

So, to become a member of our Management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can, and then with all the additional C.R.A.P. you receive, you will soon reach the top.

Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. will soon become one of the elite.

For a limited period only, the Management is offering all employees the chance to try for our latest scheme, ADVANCED SUPERVISORY STAFF HELPING OUR LOYAL EMPLOYEES (or A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short).

So, work hard, and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take and the more C.R.A.P. you can handle, will qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for sure.

NINE INCH PIANIST

Back to homepage

Have you heard any good ones lately? Why not drop me a line. rossjo@idl.net.au